oh boy. another idiot on the internet airing all the dirty laundry and you gotta ask why? So it turns out, I have some goals to reach by starting this blog and here they are:
1. An outlet for those things that eat away at me in the middle of the night. For example, it is 1:18 AM, I have to work in the morning and I will be a grouch.
2. Make some new friends. Friends in cyber space or real ones, new people. Period.
3. Prove the PA at the doctor's office is wrong, blogging is not a substitute for psychotherapy (or maybe prove I am wrong, it is a substitute for psychotherapy). FYI - I am not a psycho, not a stalker, just fed up with the stuff that happened to me in the past 14 months (more about that later).
4. Prove that writing about the things that keep you awake will help you sleep better (see #3).
so that's probably about it.
on to the Brief Explanation of Why I Hate My Life Right Now
In the past year I have lived through a string of events that nobody should have to live through in one year. Here's the Reader's Digest version:
It started in August, 2009. My grandmother passed away. She was quite elderly (although that word is taking on a whole new meaning for me as the days grow shorter). God bless her, she was 97. Lived by herself until the day she died. She did give up the driver's license after a series of near death incidents - other people were near death with her behind the wheel of that HUGE navy blue Cadillac. So that event was sad, but part of life is that our parents and grandparents start to age and the cycle of life follows a very long held tradition, with the passing of one, we seem to get a new life some where. And voila! a grandchild, in December, the day before my husband's birthday. Beautiful child. Happy child. Sweet Christmas.
Time passed, the baby grew, some other stuff that was difficult to live through started working out, things are getting better! We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Oops, spoke too soon. thanksgiving comes, my husband of many, many years, was angry with me because I did not sit with him at the big kid's table for dinner. The arguement was painful, he was hurt, he did not hear what I said, Christmas came and went, New Year's Day came and went. January 11th, 2011 while I was on a business trip, he moved out of our house. Awesome. I cut my trip short, came home, tried to talk to him, he won't tell me what is going on, no counseling, no working on fixing it, just over. This is a quite a blow to me. He kicked me as hard as he could, knocked the wind out of me. A year later, I am starting to come out of the depression - a very deep depression, not sadness, barely able to force myself out of bed, all weekend in bed, no energy, no fight left, serisouly hurt.
So back to my story... Hubby left; January 11th. January 20th, younger sister hospitalized. Many months in the hospital, most of them in the ICU on a vent, not able to talk, not able to take care of her personal affairs. The time she was in the hospital was also a tough, tough time. So as I am sure you are anticipating the end of the story is that she passed away in June, 2011.
I have a few real, true, hang-in-there-with-you-til-the-end friends. Two of them were married to each other. We have been friends through thick and thin for 30 years. He had MS, had been confined to a wheelchair for quite some time. He was having some trouble, in and out of the hospital for a few weeks and he aspirated. He passed away. I did not get to tell him I love him or see him one last time. My brother, my friend, OMG, how do I stay strong and help her? She is not taking this well at all. Too, too much going on. Somehow, we got through the funeral (thanks to her daughter and my son, they were so very strong and helpful). It was July. We made it through the next few months with many tears and lots of hugging each other. taking turns being the one to fall apart. I am not going to bore you with the horrible Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.
Fast forward a couple of months and it is today. I am headed to surgery on Thursday - not a big deal, repairing a torn meniscus (left knee) - I decided I am going to get over this and I am going to have a life again. Just as soon as the physical therapist stops hurting me!!!!
Tell me your story. Everbody has one. Next time, we'll talk about knee surgery, it cannot possibly hurt this bad. Oh, and let me know if I should stop blogging.
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